Review: BAKON Vodka

…or, How I Got Porked by a Dream…

Bacon. It’s everywhere! Finally, the breakfast champion has had time to shine in the cultural spotlight! Its marbled brown and white texture has adorned everything from band-aids to belts. Its savory glory has been accentuated by sugar and chocolate. Its been made into salt, mixed into ice cream, sprinkled onto maple bars, and blended with mayonnaise. Everyone has had a chance to bask in the glory of king of meats!

So…when I heard that commercially-produced bacon vodka was available, I went hunting. This is something I had to experience, and hopefully share. After all…a bacon Bloody Mary? What could go wrong?

BAKON Vodka…I must find thee.

I found BAKON at a liquor store in Portland’s Jantzen Beach. The rather limited availability (currently only available in Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Iowa, and New York) gave me some cause for concern as to whether or not I could find it, but there it was, a stylish trapezoidal bottle with a bacony circle screen printed on its front. Parting with my $30, I scampered back across the river to enjoy this new treasure.

I decided to sample this three ways. First, neat. I tend to be skeptical of flavored vodkas, but they should be able to stand up on their own, allowing all of the parts of the intended flavor to blend with a quality spirit. Even Absolut usually gets this right. Second, combined with a little mixer…in this case, some V8. Finally, I wanted to use it in a fully mixed drink. Since I had the V8 out, I might was well go “whole hog” and make a real Bloody Mary out of it. Ah, but this occasion merited something special, something that befits the majesty of bacon…bacon swizzle sticks! Oh, yes, I was going to truly ham it up.

So , with bottle in hand, I dove into the world of BAKON:


BAKON – Bacon-Infused Vodka
Bacon-Flavored Potato Vodka Utilizing Column Distillation
Distilled by : Black Rock Spirits - Seattle, Washington
Tasted at home on Saturday, May 9, 2010

1.5oz. Shot of BAKON
Color: Sickly tan…like a sunny day in Los Angeles. No noticeable haze or particulate, so perhaps slightly better than Los Angles.

Nose: N’gah! A nose-flogging combination of artificial smoke and candied ham. I actually flinched when I gave it a sniff. Uh-oh…there’s the twinge of a little alcohol fire too…

Flavor: A bizarre liquid smoke flavor coats the back of the tongue and sits there like a bloated toad, then an assault of stale-sweetness. Not one bit of honest bacon flavor to be found. The smoke toad inflates on the palette like a nemesis throughout the “experience” of choking down a shot. This is not helped by a light, but clearly noticeable burn of alcohol phenols.


Definitely not a good start. Crude and unrefined…artificial…


1.5oz. Shot of BAKON with 6oz. V8 Juice
Color: It’s V8 with vodka in it…so…red.

Nose: A little savory tomato, classic V8 odor, but there’s something else. A seeping burnt aroma. Touch of cloying sweetness. Unappealing.

Flavor: The usually full flavor of V8 juice seems stunned by the presence of BAKON. As with the shot, the semi-sweet flavor of the BAKON leaks into the experience and builds. Is that a hint of…melon, in there?


Ok, I’m not only disappointed, but a little ticked off. Their website would leave me to believe that this would be a savory masterpiece. They even mention that they took TWO YEARS developing this spirit!

Hm...well…time for the holy redeemer…Bloody Mary time.

Brent’s “Full-Boar Bloody Mary”
(2.5oz. BAKON Vodka, V8, 2 dashes Haz-Mat sauce, 3 dashes Worcestershire sauce, fresh ground black pepper, dashes of Old Bay seasoning, ground coriander and mustard, stirred with a bacon swizzle-stick)

Color: An opaque Bloody Mary…red with ice and bits of pepper.

Nose: Tomato-y and peppery, but there’s that damned faux smoke waft again!

Flavor: The BAKON plays a little bit nicer with a complex Bloody Mary, but not by much. The vodka burn is finally covered. The spices and heat showed up as expected, but the stomach-turning smoke toad hops through the spicy gauntlet and lands right back on the tongue. After that…it’s over. Nothing gets through. Even the use of a REAL bacon swizzle-stick does little to add true porcine flavor to this mess. Honestly, I’d rather have a few shots of gin in a Bloody Mary than this revolting vodka.


FINAL VERDICT:
BAKON vodka’s website mentions that they tried to capture the “essence of a delicious crisp slice of peppered-bacon”. I’m sorry, Black Rock Spirits, but you failed. You failed miserably at your task. If this represents two years of painstaking work…from developing a quality premium vodka, to the flavor combination and infusing process…then perhaps you should rethink your purpose, because crafting a high-quality flavored vodka is clearly not your forte. This loathsome offering couldn’t even mix into a proper Bloody Mary… and THAT IS YOUR FLAGSHIP cocktail!


Some may enjoy this…but then again, some have the intellect of a styrofoam packing peanut. There is NO bacon here. Not even a hint to recommend that there was strip of marbled-meat joy anywhere near the distillery. If they did indeed use bacon in a classic infusion, it had to have come from a pig from a mirror universe, where bacon tastes like cat vomit. The base vodka is sharp and unsophisticated; it needs a lot more time in clarification and filtering. The flavor is, in a word, offensive. It even looks sick. This is not a vodka for drinking. It’s not a vodka for cooking. The contents of the bottle are not suitable for cleaning or combustion. This is a vodka only suitable for laying down and avoiding. It’s a filthy, pretentious mess and I feel the worse for having ingested it.

Thank goodness I have some left over swizzle sticks to gnaw on. I nearly lost my bacony faith…

Oh, and should you ever need a tasty treat to augment YOUR Bloody Mary, try a bacon swizzle stick and don’t bring home the BAKON.


Bacon Swizzle-Stick
…as developed by Aaron Louie and Brent Diskin

1 Slice of quality bacon
2 Bamboo skewers
(Makes Two Skewers Per Bacon Slice)

• Cut the bacon strip lengthwise, creating two thin, bacony strips.
• Skewer the end of one of the strips with a skewer and push up until the speared strip is about 1/2 to 1/3 up the skewer.
• Wrap the bacon strip around the skewer, fairly tightly. As you wrap, you may need to push the strip up or down the skewer. Your goal is to get a nice porcine auger covering the bottom section of the skewer.
• Once wrapped, use the last exposed tip of the skewer to affix the end of the bacon strip - holding it in place.
• Twist carefully to create a tight spiral of bacon around the skewer, taking care not to over-twist and tear the meat.
• Repeat with second skewer.

(If you want more than two strips, repeat the above as many times as nessesary)

• Pan-fry or oven-broil as you would with regular bacon…keeping an eye out for over-criping and burning.
• Turn sticks regularly for even cooking.
• Once cooked, lay on a towel to drip excess fat.
• Make a tasty Bloody Mary...place skewer in finished drink.
• Spear the "salad" (pickled goods) on the exposed top (the “un-baconed section) of the skewer.
• Stir, sip, nibble, and enjoy!